Boyfriend #22 drives up to the Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York, in his Shelby Cobra. Expensive suit, vintage car and a product for a last name – nouveau riche. So pretty yet so breakable at the same time, which is exactly her type as she gets dressed. He walks inside the breathtaking mansion, which could be straight out of a fairytale princess Disney movie, and waits for her come down the stairs.
Swift glides down the staircase, in a lacy Elie Saab gown, mannered and elegant, and gives him her hand. Maso taro with caviar, lobster frittata and many other decadent dishes sprawl across the table. Only diamond studded martinis here for the typical Saturday night meal. Swift smirks, thinking that this guy has no idea what he is getting into.
Their relationship is a storybook romance. They dance in the ballroom with only their beating hearts for the orchestra. Swift rides around in a bike inside the mansion. She decides she wants to paint him herself. Good sport that he is he poses for her while she chuckles to herself, knowing he is in her clutches.
They are the epitome of a perfect couple, spending their time riding horses and frolicking around the grounds. Her favorite activity with him is walking their Doberman pinchers. She begged so long for a puppy and he gave her three! Oh he must love her so much. She hangs up her portrait of him and sighs. He just so handsome and belongs to her. During an afternoon in the park, they kiss under the gazebo and stare into each other’s eyes. She etches their names into a tree. Aren’t they the cutest?
He’s texting the entire time they are at the beach but she pays it no mind. He loves her and that’s all that matters. However, after taking in the view of the grounds, she catches him texting again. She shakes her head in disgust. That phone is never out of his hand. She screams at him while his raises his hands up, trying to get her to calm down. She pushes him and questions him about the girl he was texting. He can’t believe it. She’s just a friend! She throws a vase at his head and puts her hands on both his cheeks, reminding him that she cause quite the damage.
She tosses the phone into the fountain. Oopsies! She stabs the painting that she made of him right in the face. She cuts up his shirts and drops them over the balcony. While on fire. He looks up at her in disbelief. He surveys the mansion, wondering what else she has done. Once he sees the ruined portrait that has been bloodied, knifed and defaced, he turns away from it, scared that she might actually use a weapon on him next time.
He stands in horror as she smashes in headlights in his Shelby Cobra with a golf club. He begs her to stop. But she continues to screech: “you said that you loved me and that we were going to get married and YOU SAID THAT YOU LOVED ME!” With the golf club, the windshield cracks and shreds of glass fall into the front seat. He faints and she takes full advantage, kissing him on the lips. He gets in the car and races off, fearful for his life.
Boyfriend #23 pulls up. The main difference: his vintage car is a cherry red. Swift grins. It’s time to play.
Swift can snark and give the camera knowing looks when needed. But once she decides to be a comedic Glenn Close vandalizing the car, it becomes painful to watch. Even with mascara running down her face, she oversells the crazy. The Dolce and Gabbana straight from a drunken weekend in Vegas leopard print doesn’t help, either.
Director: Joseph Kahn Year: 2014
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