A black screen states that no mythological creatures were harmed in the making of this video. A server pours a glass of champagne for two unicorn men. She explains to the unicorns that she demanded a bear to put on some pants and apologize to the President. She adds that action got her elected into Uzbekistan’s parliament. A server approaches with a teeny tiny triangle of cheese. She knows who would do something as petty like that. She turns her head and glares at James Van Der Beek, who is standing in the corner.
In her unicorn trophy room, she challenges Van Der Beek to a showdown, using her finger like a pistol. She licks a unicorn on her way over to him and weaves through a hallway of stuffed unicorn heads. A unicorn sips his champagne. A man and woman unicorn dance together, too into their moment to notice a rampage is about to happen. Van Der Beek reaches for something in his pocket, which is a comb and then runs it through his hair. She French kisses a unicorn. Van Der Beek removes his sleeves and then takes off the rest of the suit jacket. He tosses it onto the ground. He raises his eyebrow to Ke$ha, signaling that it’s her move.
Van Der Beek gyrates as Ke$ha removes her bra. Van Der Beek then removes his bra from underneath his shirt. She didn’t expect Van Der Beek to have some kink in him. Van Der Beek smirks, knowing she is caught off guard.
In the middle of the dancefloor, Ke$ha confronts him. She calls him James Van Der Douche. He tells her that he doesn’t want her “slanderbeeking my name, K-E-dollar sign-HA.” She asks him about the cheese he sent over. He says that “Munster cheese is edible lactose gold.” She concurs and asks him to dance. He responds with “let’s.” She takes one last look before returning to her corner.
He takes advantage of that moment of sentimentality and strikes first. However, she pulls out two guns and begins firing, red light splattered across his chest. He dodges out of the way of the light and fires again. Ke$ha, using a unicorn as shield, fires back. The rainbow light hits two unicorns and they collapse. From behind a column, Van Der Beek hits a champagne glass, his eyes ablaze. Another unicorn is taken down. He hides in between the column while Ke$ha shoots a red light from her lip. It takes out two more unicorns. Ke$ha and Van Der Beek aim for each other but a unicorn’s head drops onto a table. They slide from their corners and Ke$ha hits him in the heart. He grabs his heart and winces in pain. He tries reaching for his gun but she steps on his wrist. Van Der Beek asks for a truce and she says no, turning the gun towards his head. He gasps.
On the wall, his head has become one her trophies. Underneath, it says James Van Der Dead. She laughs with two unicorns. A rustling noise causes her to stop. Could it be another former WB actor who wants to make fun of himself? Tom Welling, maybe? Ooh! Maybe it’s even Chris Pratt! The screen goes black.
A unicorn massacre involving a former WB star doesn’t happen everyday. It’s original, absolutely absurd and a total riot. Ke$ha and Van Der Beek make a great comedic duo. Both have impressive comic timing, making the horrible-on-purpose dialogue shine and effortless to say.
Director: Chris Marrs Piliero Year: 2011