Video Review: blackbear & Gucci Mane “do re mi”

Driving a luxury SUV, blackbear pulls into the driveway of a mansion. He carries his suitcase and opens the door. In the foyer, he sees a family of seven children, from ages five to eighteen, standing in a row. Three of the little girls yawn. The blonde 9-year-old boy is excited. The twelve-year-old boy winks at him. The eighteen-year-old young woman holds back tears.

He sits on the couch while the young children sit on the floor and dance. The eighteen-year-old sits next to him. He hands out cats to them. The twelve-year-old rubs his nose in the cat’s fur and cradles it. blackbear holds a turtle. The 10-year-old wearing glasses sneezes on her cat. The young woman pushes a cat away.

The five-year-old crawls on the rug. Her eyes pop out when she sees her eighteen-year-old sister making out with the music teacher. He smashes his guitar. The five-year-old lies down on the floor, hands folded behind her back and watches them.

In a hazy golden lit room, blackbear sits next to Gucci Mane as he raps.

The blonde 9-year-old boy dances in front of the window while his five-year-old sister sleeps on the rug. blackbear and the blonde 9-year-old boy roll their shoulders by the window. The five-year-old girl scowls at Gucci Mane. Gucci Mane scoffs.

The blonde 9-year-old boy and 10-year-old put on a marionette show. The five-year-old girl sits on Gucci Mane’s lap and smiles. Gucci Mane laughs. The children watch the as the puppets have simulate sex. blackbear reaches for the young woman’s phone and she dodges him.

blackbear gurgles his drink as he sits on the couch. The children bounce on the rug and then fold their hands as their move around in a circle. The young woman spray paints a penis on blackbear’s windshield and urinates on his tire. Their siblings stand in the driveway, appalled at her behavior.

Rating: 0/5

The Von Trapp family want to be famous on Youtube. Their stepmother, Maria heard the children singing and had to find a way to capitalize on it. She hired a music teacher to provide lessons and began work on a video channel.

The eighteen-year-old young woman balks at the lessons. She’d rather drink and text message guys all day long. She wasn’t expecting to see blackbear, though. They had slept together several times and he stopped calling her. She thought she had an actual boyfriend for once.

He entertains her siblings with cats. She refuses, telling him she doesn’t want fur all over her designer dress. He tells her he’s sorry and she decides to make out with him. But then he made a crass comment about her breasts. She had to get revenge. Her siblings, though, think she went too far.

However, her siblings are hypocrites. The younger ones put on an R-rated puppet show, giggling as their five-year-old sister watches. They ignore their little sister’s questions about positions of the puppets, telling her to ask Maria. The blonde 9-year-old purposely bumps into his siblings, knocking them down during lessons. He wants them to know he will do anything to be the star of the family. After practice, he works on his own private Youtube channel, perfecting it before the launch date. He has to get out in front of his siblings.

Maria and the Captain are absentee parents. They only care about the paycheck that will roll in from the videos. Going viral with cute kids will allow them to be featured with brands. Neither of them really want to work again.

Director: N/A Year: 2017

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Pam Avoledo Administrator
Pam Avoledo spends her time binge-watching classic teen dramas and stands firm in her pro-Leyton stance. She also received her journalism degree in 2006 from Oakland University. Her poetry has been published in the White Wall Review and 45 Magazine.

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