Video Review: Jessica Simpson “A Public Affair”

In the back of a limousine, Jessica Simpson remarks to her friends, Christina Applegate, Christina Milian and Eva Longoria that the paparazzi “are always chasing us.” Applegate responds with “could we be any more famous?” Longoria believes they could be icons. Simpson says she wants Oprah to do a special about her every new boyfriend she has. Milian says she wants her ex-boyfriends to be famous just for dating her. Applegate says that in order to give birth, she has to leave the United States and have the baby in Africa to get away from the press. Longoria wants to be the “most downloaded person on the Internet.” Simpson adds she “wants to be more famous than the Internet.” Her chauffeur (Ryan Seacrest) breaks into the conversation and says his “stylist would have his own show on Bravo.” Applegate motions with her finger for him to turn around. Milian hopes paparazzi will be there. Simpson is betting on it.

As the doors to the skating rink open, the paparazzi snap photos and call out to them. The clerk (Andy Dick) waves off a couple after giving them their skates. He blushes once they stop at his desk.

Simpson and her friends skate around the rink.

The clerk spins and points to Applegate. He hands her some white skates with pink poof balls attached to the laces. She winks at him. He winks at Simpson and stares into space. He imagines Simpson and Milian licking his face and then kissing one another. He licks a pair of brown skates and gives them to Simpson.

Simpson ties up her skates on the bench and stares at a young man sitting with his girlfriend (Maria Menounous). She imagines cuddling with the young man inside the photo booth. The young man stares at her, imagining Simpson eating an ice cream cone. His girlfriend catches him and imagines fighting with Simpson.

She and the young man continue to gaze at one another. In the darkened rink, he performs some tricks and she does the splits, reaching for him. They dance on their skates as a single spotlight shines on them. He gestures for her to call him.

Back at the desk, they become uncomfortable as the clerk touches his pants. He shows them his phone and asks for a photo. They pose. The clerk imagines Simpson’s hair on his face in the photo booth.

Someone falls in front of Simpson. She trips. Behind her, several people catch the referee as he starts to slip on the floor. After the accident, everyone dances again as they skate.

Simpson and the young man leave together, hand-in-hand.

Rating: 1/5

Jessica Simpson, wearing minimal makeup, sits on her couch, eating her lunch and turns the page of Us Weekly. Its cover page asks, “Who Is Jessica’s New Man?” Simpson laughs as she reads the article, detailing their first meeting. Sources say she’s never been happier and that her friends adore him. The article ends that Simpson hasn’t confirmed the relationship.

After two months of dating, she asks the young man if he would like to attend a movie premiere with her. He answers yes. She introduces him to entertainment reporters as her boyfriend. Each reporter asks her for a sit-down with them. She refers them to her publicist who will handle all the details.

The following week, Us Weekly reports the jilted girlfriend’s story. The girlfriend called Simpson a homewrecker who  took a future family away from her. Simpson denies the accusations. Comments on websites side with the girlfriend. Simpson calls her publicist to fix it for her.

She announces their engagement. People begin to speculate if she’s pregnant. Personal photos began to get leaked to the press. Simpson keeps his guard up around his starstruck family. She tells she feels uncomfortable around his older brother who cornered on the way to the bathroom. In the backyard, she calls her manager and then wakes up her driver, sleeping in the car and tells him to leave right now.

During her sit-down with Oprah, she explains she was unfair to her ex-boyfriend. He didn’t get the best of her. She hopes he can forgive her someday. Off the record, she tells Oprah she’s never dating a normal person again.

Director: Brett Ratner Year: 2006

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Pam Avoledo Administrator
Pam Avoledo spends her time binge-watching classic teen dramas and stands firm in her pro-Leyton stance. She also received her journalism degree in 2006 from Oakland University. Her poetry has been published in the White Wall Review and 45 Magazine.

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