Video Review: ZZ Top “Burger Man”

Filmed through a sepia filter, a car leaves the parking lot of Biff Burger. A fortysomething man tugs at the back of his pants while he walks into line. He calls out “yo!” The server asks if she can help him. He says “you sure can, baby. Give me an order of fries to go with all that shake, will ya?” She laughs, saying “gimme a break” as she jots down his order. As he bites on his toothpick, he says he would like two Biff Burgers with real hot buns, if you know what I mean.” She tears off the receipt and tells the cook “what a jerk.”

The fortysomething man and his co-worker dump toxic waste into the river. The fortysomething kicks the can and falls into the river.

A spaceship flies in the air. Women, wearing sequined crop top and skirts, control the levers of the ship as ZZ Top play. Another woman cooks burgers on the grill.

The fortysomething man holds his burger as he sinks into the river. He emerges with a thick, beefy head, puffy bread around his neck and buttocks. Two enlarged beef patties make up his body. He shoves people out of his way as in the Biff Burger parking lot. The server screams as he approaches the counter. He crashes through the glass and attacks the cook. He licks his lips as he corners the female server.

He picks up the female server and carries her to his cave.

A woman on the ship picks up a signal from Burger Alert. She turns the dials and ZZ Top fade away.

ZZ Top materialize on top of the cave. He walks out of the cave and looks around. The women in sequined tops appear, holding their weapon. The cook slides the steel underneath the man’s feet and uses it catapult him into the sky. The female server hugs the cook while the women in sequined tops dance. ZZ Top point to the sky and return to the space ship. The man continues to fly through space.

Rating: 3/5

A ten-year-old kid tells the female server he saw the Burger Man and points to the left. His mom shakes her head and says the Burger Man isn’t real. The female server grins and writes down their order. Every day, she fields dozens of questions about the Burger Man. Some people ask directions to his cave. Others want to know if the original female server and cook still work for the company. A few women rant to the current owner about the company’s need to protect its employees.

The initial sighting of the Burger Man almost closed down the iconic diner in the 1950s. The original female server had complained to the owner about the Burger Man’s harassment of her. However, the owner had shrugged it off. The cook, who often worked the same shifts as her, had promised her he would help to keep her safe. The Burger Man had returned one day and kidnapped the female server. The cook had run after her while the owner called for him to come back to finish the orders. The cook and Burger Man had gotten into an altercation, causing the Burger Man to flee in a weakened state.  The female server and cook moved away from the area and married a couple of years later.

The current owner declines to the talk press regarding the history of the incident. As far as he knows, the Burger Man passed away not long after the incident. However, as many patrons remind him, no one saw him die. They could swim in the river or hide by the dumpster at night.

Director: N/A Year: 1991

Pam Avoledo Administrator
Pam Avoledo spends her time binge-watching classic teen dramas and stands firm in her pro-Leyton stance. She also received her journalism degree in 2006 from Oakland University. Her work has been published in the White Wall Review, Sledgehammer Lit ,Greatest City Collective & 45 Magazine . Fevers of the Mind, and forthcoming in Daily Drunk Mag\'s Kirstofia anthology.

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