Video Review: Niall Horan “No Judgement”

Niall Horan, in black dress pants, a white shirt and bow-tie, sits on a red chair in front of a fireplace. He says, “there’s come a time in the mating cycle of humans when the need to impress is replaced by a period they call no judgement. Let me tell you, it gets a little bit strange” and he points to a fishbowl with dentures.

A seventysomething man takes out his dentures from the bottom of the fishbowl. On the second floor, he peels a banana and eats it as he watches the seventysomething man and a seventysomething woman wife dance by a stuffed bear.

He sits in a lawn chair and sips tea. The seventysomething man mows the grass shirtless as the seventysomething woman chants while she sits on a blanket. The seventysomething woman watches with opera glasses while the seventysomething man stands on a ladder with a dozen of yellow balloons.

The seventysomething man paints her toes in the backyard. Shrimps are placed between her toes. He takes a shrimp and eats it. Horan watches them from the balcony. The seventysomething woman bends down and tries to pick up the weight. They hug. Horan holds back tears and punches his chest as he watches from the lawn chair.

He walks down the hallway and glances as the seventysomething man poses shirtless on the couch. The seventysomething woman paints him. He gestures they are a doing a good job. He opens the door to the kitchen. The seventysomething man lies on the kitchen counter. The seventysomething woman hits his back with her hands.

She sits in the bathtub and scrubs the seventysomething’s man arm as he sits on the chair. Horan sprays and covers his nose. As they lie in bed, they dip their spoons in a giant tub of mayonnaise and feed it to each other. In the backyard, the seventysomething man carries a cake with “27” on it. She takes some frosting and feeds it to him. She dabs some on his nose. He position the hose near his crotch from the balcony as he waters the lawn. She gives him a thumbs up as she hangs up in underwear on the clothesline. Horan spits out his tea.

The seventysomething woman lights her cigarette from the candles. A heart forms over them as they laugh in bed.

Rating: 2/5

The seventysomething man shuffles his feet to Stormzy’s music in the backyard. He raises his arm in the air. The seventysomething woman, his wife, turns the volume up louder on their turntable. She raps along to the lyrics. The seventysomething man waves Niall Horan over and tells him it’s break time. Horan puts down the tray and dances with them. It was a typical work day so far. However, he fully expected the seventysomething woman to be drunk and dancing on the table in her bathrobe by the evening.

The last person who worked for them quit to due to their erratic behavior. The young woman explained while she trained him that she believed their children were keeping them out of the nursing home because they don’t want to lose their inheritance. He had seen their children a few times. The children, though, kept correcting them and cringed during the entire visit. The 8-year-old granddaughter started imitating the seventysomething woman grinding to the music and they hurried home. The children seemed nice. They were kind but distanced themselves from him.

He liked working for them. However, he kept the children’s numbers on hand just in case. Horan excuses himself and says he has to get back to work. The seventysomething woman handwaves it and tells him he’s needs to lighten up and goof off. Horan grins and walks back into the home. He puts some dishes in the dishwasher and notices an Apple watch in it. He doesn’t want to know. He closes the door and pours himself a drink. It was going to be extra crazy today.

Director: Drew Kirsch Year: 2020

Pam Avoledo Administrator
Pam Avoledo spends her time binge-watching classic teen dramas and stands firm in her pro-Leyton stance. She also received her journalism degree in 2006 from Oakland University. Her work has been published in the White Wall Review, Sledgehammer Lit ,Greatest City Collective & 45 Magazine . Fevers of the Mind, and forthcoming in Daily Drunk Mag\'s Kirstofia anthology.

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